Learning to breathe

Finding myself in the place of the unknown. Not sure some days how to even breathe. I know there has been moments I've stopped. Wondering how did we get here and what got us to this place? Was there something differently we could have done? I'm trusting the years of praying for protection from all the lies believed and from the voice that gets the most attention will somehow reach to the core. Watching as this path of destruction is being walked, my thoughts sink into all the what if's. I'm left with a hole trying to decide if it's possible for God to fill it. He's done it before but this time is different. I realize I've been here before just a different lifetime and different roles.

I know God is able but we've got to be willing. How do you tell your heart to stop hurting but yet to breathe in the same breath? Seems impossible.

How do you walk it out trusting God yet pleading in every step? How do you offer tough love and truly walk it out when God has given Mother's an unlimited supply of grace. Where is that line and how do you tell your heart you can't cross it?

So I wait. I trust. I work to breathe one breath at a time & take one day at a time. I've learned I must stay in today & tell my what if's to pipe down. God loves more than we ever could. God see's our struggle and our pain. He is faithful and just to complete everything He has started.

So today I wait. I trust. And I'm learning how to breathe again.

My years as a prodigal

Back story first:

I was always a happy child. Delightful as my granddaddy would say it. I learned about God very early in life as my grandparents would take me to church. At first glance organized religion seemed pretty harmless. You sit in service you stand, sing then you sit, stand a million more times then you sleep through the message, you go home, eat fried chicken then take a nap. Seemed pretty wonderful for this southern girl.

My parents didn't take us to church when we were younger. They were still finding their way, numbing their pain, & seeking the next thrill. Through my elementary years I took on the role of helping as much as I could around the house, looking out for my brother, & sometimes acting like a mom. I have always been good at taking care of everyone else. Then one day my dad found Jesus. Our lives changed somewhat. I think their addictions shifted and became model church folk. We started attending a church that preached condemnation. You can't wear this, you can't wear that, you can't listen to this, and the list goes on. I constantly found myself checking off the things I was doing right and feeling like a horrible person because of all I couldn't put a check beside.

We switched churches and learned of unconditional love and how Jesus loves us regardless. At this point I was so confused. So I don't have to keep this list of do's & don't's? Then my parents took up their addictions once more while Holding leadership positions in the church. I thought well I guess I don't really have to keep this list anymore. Or did I?

Through my teenage years I just wanted to find my way. Figure out who I was, what I believed in, and find a good man. Ambitious huh?

Insert my prodigal story:

My prodigal story isn't the typical one of disrespect, rebellion toward my parents, or leaving home. It's more of a journey that spanned 23 years. So here goes:

I went looking for love in all the wrong places as I can still hear Johnny Lee singing it. I took many roads of self destruction though drugs and alcohol weren't one of them, my craving for the hole in my heart to be filled with the perfect man and acceptance was addiction enough. I found myself
In a downward spiral never finding what my heart so desperately wanted. My path of horrible choices left Me with failed relationships, emotionally hurt children, near disasters, heartbreak, and feelings of well I guess I can't check those boxes of keeping it good with God.

As I carried my do's and don't's list around I encountered "church folk" that didn't really accept me. I was the scarlet letter. You know, "she can't get her act together" and "you know she's divorced" and "why is she here at church", "she doesn't belong here". It's hard to discern the truth about what God thinks of you when surrounded with such self righteous people.

Yet again I decided to try this church thing. I couldn't ever shake that I felt God pursuing me & often feeling His love even though I wasn't quite sure how He could love someone like me. You know I don't have checks in these boxes and I'm sure that's not really God I feel. I changed churches to suit my at the time, "I don't know about this Holy Spirit thing". So I played church, I was there every time the doors opened. I held every position there was to hold, taught every class I could teach, started children church, and prayed no one would really find out about my horrible choices in life because I knew they would slam the doors in my face. All the while I was making wrong choices in relationships, dragging my kids to church, I was silently keeping my list like it was some trade off. Well I did this well and I know that will cancel out this mistake, etc. but I always came up short in my heart & on my paper.

Feeling defeated as my recent relationship choice was leading my children to withdrawal and the verbal and emotional abuse was more than I could bare or watch my children endure. I felt as though my heart would break into a million pieces. After yet another failed relationship something happened. I truly found God. I didn't find Him in church with all the self righteous people, I didn't find Him in a relationship, I didn't find Him in serving others. I didn't find Him in my children even though they are gifts from God.  I found Him in the still quiet of my house. This prodigal finally found her home & into the One who knew me completely and loved me anyway. I realized I could put away my list of do's & don't's. I am finally truly finding my way. I haven't completely arrived & I am stumbling still working to figure it all out and I don't have all the answers nor do I have it all together. But I am working to walk in the direction I feel God is leading.

Yes today I do attend church and I sing in the choir. The "self righteous" ones are still lingering around but the difference for me now is I know who I am in Christ & His opinion of me outweighs the self righteous & the voice of the enemy. Church folk don't bother me at all except when they mess with those still finding their way. We must love the unlovable (even the self righteous folks) we must be patient in their process, love them where they are, show them they don't have to keep a list, while understanding that God is the only true judge as He has all the evidence.

I am finally in a healthy relationship. I have 3 children I birthed and 2 that are birthed from my heart. They are working hard to find their way. (Especially from all the decisions their parents made). They will travel difficult roads, they will make wrong choices, they will even say they hate me, they may doubt God, the may become the prodigal but none of that will ever separate them from the Love of God, His pursuit of them, nor the love of a momma who understands the paths they take, the why behind the what, & will be standing with arms wide open.

I know God is faithful. I know nothing can EVER separate me from His love.

As a side bar: This year my parents will celebrate 26 years of sobriety. I am so thankful & blessed with parents who are such overcomer's. They are wonderful parents & the best grandparents. I love them & I am so proud of them. They are finishing well.

Not enough

Sitting in the car while my husband goes to pump gas, he returns hands me the card, and whispers it's says insufficient funds. My heart is in disbelief, I become anxious thinking how is that possible and how will we get to my mom's 30 minutes away? My mind starts to remember... remember my childhood, that uncomfortable moment of lack and not enough... I sigh heavily.  My mind races to not having enough and the feeling of not enough. Not enough food, not enough money, not enough clothes, not enough quality time, simply not enough. All this happens in .5 seconds and my husband knows where my thoughts are going, he grabs my arm and smiles. We run to the ATM to see what's going on. After checking the balance there is plenty of money but this circumstance caused me to go down a road, I hate to be on.  We traveled on to my moms, and I'm thinking how I hate those memories you know the haunting ones. The ones that send us into anxiousness and long moments of being uncomfortable. My mind goes to knowing I feel better when my pantry is full and my frig is freshly stocked. Why is that? When I feel like the kids have enough (not too much but enough), when I feel enough then all is right with the world but one tilt of not enough and my emotions do a nose dive and I spend several moments trying to recover.  In the midst of these emotions, it's hard to quote scripture. You know the ones about: God will supply all my needs according to his riches in glory. Later in the week, I realize all that we are committed too this week. Even though there is money, and time to get it all done,  my thoughts play havoc on me again and I believe the lie. That is why the bible says to "Hold every thought captive to the obedience of Christ."  My heart starts down the same road of anxiousness, all the feelings come back again like a flood. False thought of not enough. I'm tired, I'm tired of feeling this way when things are slim and even when there not, when the kids need something, Even when there is enough my thoughts lie and make feel like there's not enough, when I feel like everything is caving in around me, and I am not enough... Then God whispers, "I am enough." I stop and listen, God says, "I am enough. When there's not enough, when you feel like there's not enough, when you feel you are not enough, I am enough." My heart begins to recover once again, I faintly say, "Yes Lord, you are enough." (Embarassed that He has caught me going down that rode again because I know better and God has spoken to this area before).  In that moment, I sit still and allow God to do His work. I feel all the not enough break away and I feel lighter, then the not enoughs fall completely off my life. I feel God's peace flood my heart and though my circumstances haven't changed and there's still plenty of commitments left for the week, I know God is enough. Each time God places His finger on an area in our life We need to surrender or He wants to heal, you can bet you will remember. Remember the feelings like it was yesterday, feel you are unable to bear the weight, and you are uncomfortable. You know sticky, hot, uncomfortable, anxious just to name a few. That's when God shows up, brings peace, and that scab that's covering that wound, is torn off and God doesn't just put a bandaid on it, He heals it completely.  I thank God, that He didn't just come to save us from sin, but he also came to heal the broken hearted. So, as I battle daily with the ghosts of my past, my memories that try to haunt me, the pain of my wrong choices, I will stand on the Word of God and His promises and allow God to be enough. I allow God the freedom to do as He wills in my life.  He is my enough. God you are my ENOUGH!  Regardless what you are facing, know that God is enough and He has a plan and it is better than anything we can dream up!

A Mother's Heart

The countless prayers of peace, praying they make good friends, praying they are making the right choice when pressured, prayers of please don't let them live in unforgiveness,  regret or in shame,  prayers that they are being polite, courteous, having a calm and undisturbed mind. Prayers of oh lord, I'm not sure if I've done enough, taught enough, prayed enough. The prayers of Lord please let them not be controlled or ruled by their emotions. Praying they respond in love and not overact with an overspill of ugly humanness. The Oh Lord, did I act like you when they made the wrong choice, when they disobeyed? Lord I pray I handled that right. Did they see my love, did they see Grace, did they see forgiveness so they could do the same? 

I've learned that regardless the path they take, the mistakes they make, the people they hurt, or when they hurt themselves, the times of being mean, mouthy, disobedient, ungrateful, regardless if they are in church every Sunday, & Wednesday nights whether we do weekly devotions, whether we pray with everything in us, and whether we are doing all the right things. Ultimately it's their choices, it's their consequences, it's their decision to make the right choice or the wrong one. But it's God who brings them right where He wants them. I can't do it. I would never be able to lecture enough to change them. God uses all the things they've said, all the decisions they've made, all the mistakes they made, all the people they hurt and all the people who have hurt them. God uses those circumstances, those people, and those decisions to refine, to polish, to love them right where He wants them. God has a plan. 

So I am not tossed to and fro, by the ups and downs of being a mother. My heart loves, my heart gives, my heart disciplines, my heart prays, my heart offers grace, my heart offers forgiveness and my heart stands on the promises God has spoken over my children.  I will stand against all the powers of the enemy and I claim what is mine. No I can't fix any of it for them, I can't undo the mistakes they made or will make, I can't bully them into doing right, but I can love the mess out of them while they are finding their way. I will stand on the Word of God for them until they can see it for themselves. 

I don't wanna

Ever have a "I don't wanna" day? Well that's me today. Other than making breakfast for the kiddos (eggs, bacon, grits, sausage biscuits, and fruit), folding two loads of clothes, ironing Noah's pants for work, and organizing my tiny kitchen cabinets so I could fit my new Cool Fry Daddy in (I know y'all are jealous!)  I've been worthless. 

Knowing I SO need to get up clean something, exercise, and possibly prepare dinner, but I think I like the comfort of my bed more than my motivation to do any of the above.  My mind is so full of thoughts. Thoughts of friends who are hurting, injured, dealing with death and family moving hours away.  My oldest daughter is moving to DC soon and I'm very excited for her.  I was planning to travel with her to find her apartment but something out of my control prevented that and I was very disappointed.  I am very proud of her, her accomplishments and how she is so fearless.  Fearless enough to move away from family, her job, and the state she has called home all her life. I will miss her terribly but missing her is nothing new. I do that daily. There's something about distance that does that to a mom. Whether across the room, across town, across the state, or now across several states that draws my heart to missing her. So today I will think of all the kisses, the "holds you mama, holds you", the hand holding, her cuddling with me, the smiles, the sun that shines from her face, those deep blue eyes, and I will draw a deep breath and know that I am so blessed to be her mom. She's my ever since... 

Ever since you I have never been the same,

ever since you I never knew the capacity to love,

ever since you our lives changed forever. 

Now that I've had my mama moment, I will work to get motivated. Besides Dylan is begging me to let him drive. So I'm prying my body up and finishing this day. 

Desires of our heart 

THANK'FUL, a. Grateful; impressed with a sense of kindness received, and ready to acknowledge it. The Lord's supper is to be celebrated with a thankful remembrance of his sufferings and death.

Be thankful to him, and bless his name. Ps.100. (1828 dictionary) 

Shout with joy to the Lord, all the earth! Worship the Lord with gladness. Come before him, singing with joy. Acknowledge that the Lord is God! He made us, and we are his. We are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving; go into his courts with praise. Give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good. His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation. (Psalms 100:1-5 NLT)

I was reminded yesterday how slack I can be at giving God thanks for His blessings in my life. I get so busy at times taking care of my family, work, my selfish wants, with life, that I lose touch so quickly of how blessed I am. There are some days that just ooze of thankfulness, it just rolls off me like the air leaving my lungs, then other days I am so distracted (squirrel) that I don't even know what's next. I know that's the devils plan to keep me so distracted from the good things, from my purpose, and keep me focused on the bad or the busy. 

"What you focus on the longest will become strongest." 

We went to hear the prophet Donnie Cook last night at a meeting in Dunn. Michael and I have heard him numerous times, we've seen God heal, deliver, and encourage those in need.  We have been the receiver each time we have attended any of these meetings. Last night was no different. I watched as God used this man to minister to the hurting, the sick, and to those who weren't really expecting anything be in awe at what God revealed.  Stick with me, I promise I Have a point.  At the end, Donnie reached out for Michael and spoke a word into his life. I watched as my 6'3" husband was laid to the ground in the spirit from the word spoken over his life. Now I have seen that happen a million times and it isn't the first time God has spoken a word over him, but last night was different for me. I stood there praying with this man that God has blessed me with. The man of God that has always been the desire of my heart. The man of God I deeply longed for. As Michael's hands were stretched up, I reached down and placed my hand over his, and instantly he knew my touch, and squeezed my hand. In that moment gratitude began to flow out from me. This man that I longed for, searched for (boy there were lots of detours) prayed for, was grasping my hand. I am very blessed to say the least, what I thought impossible, God made possible. My life is a miracle, my marriage is planned by God, my husband is a gift, and I thank God He gives me the desires of my heart.  

Know this, God does answer our deepest need, God does give us the desires of our hearts, and He loves you deeply.  My husband is a daily reminder and causes gratitude to swell in my heart because the lover of my soul simply loves me that much. 

God loves you that much too! 

Discomfort and Pain

In the midst of hurt, difficult circumstances, and injustice it's hard to imagine God working these things to our good and for His glory.  But in Acts 8, we find Saul aka Paul, making havoc for the church by placing Jesus freaks (men and women) in prison. This scattering of believers was instrumental and was used as a springboard of the Gospel. 

Philip, for example, went to the city of Samaria and told the people there about the Messiah. Crowds listened intently to Philip because they were eager to hear his message and see the miraculous signs he did. Many evil spirits were cast out, screaming as they left their victims. And many who had been paralyzed or lame were healed. (Acts 8:5-7 NLT)

Persecution forced the believers out of their homes and with them went the Gospel. Sometimes we have to become uncomfortable before we will move. We may not want it, but discomfort, pain, injustice, etc. may be the best thing for us, because God is working in the midst of these hurts.  I am sure the Jesus freaks were stressed and worried. Their Messiah was just crucified, some believers were being stoned, others placed into prison, and others were scattered yet in the midst of this pain, we see later that God used the very man (Saul aka Paul) causing havoc to be a missionary for the Gospel of Christ.

The deep pain in our life prepares us for the deep love of God. This is a quote by a preacher in Durham, NC, that I heard several years ago. That quote ministered to me during one of the most painful periods of my life. During this painful period, I clung to the hope that God had a plan in the midst of my pain. This was a pain I chose. This was a decision I made that caused havoc in my life and there were times I lost hope. But I knew somewhere on the inside that God would make a way despite the bad choice I made. The bible says,

 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. (Romans 8:28 NLT)

So today in the midst of uncertainty, pain, grief, discomfort, bad things that happen to us, bad choices etc. let the God of the universe comfort, restore, and bring hope to the deep pain in your life.  God will use your pain. God never wastes a hurt. Your past will serve a wonderful purpose if we will let it.