Thursday, August 22, 2013

Not enough

Sitting in the car while my husband goes to pump gas, he returns hands me the card, and whispers it's says insufficient funds. My heart is in disbelief, I become anxious thinking how is that possible and how will we get to my mom's 30 minutes away? My mind starts to remember... remember my childhood, that uncomfortable moment of lack and not enough... I sigh heavily.  My mind races to not having enough and the feeling of not enough. Not enough food, not enough money, not enough clothes, not enough quality time, simply not enough. All this happens in .5 seconds and my husband knows where my thoughts are going, he grabs my arm and smiles. We run to the ATM to see what's going on. After checking the balance there is plenty of money but this circumstance caused me to go down a road, I hate to be on.  We traveled on to my moms, and I'm thinking how I hate those memories you know the haunting ones. The ones that send us into anxiousness and long moments of being uncomfortable. My mind goes to knowing I feel better when my pantry is full and my frig is freshly stocked. Why is that? When I feel like the kids have enough (not too much but enough), when I feel enough then all is right with the world but one tilt of not enough and my emotions do a nose dive and I spend several moments trying to recover.  In the midst of these emotions, it's hard to quote scripture. You know the ones about: God will supply all my needs according to his riches in glory. Later in the week, I realize all that we are committed too this week. Even though there is money, and time to get it all done,  my thoughts play havoc on me again and I believe the lie. That is why the bible says to "Hold every thought captive to the obedience of Christ."  My heart starts down the same road of anxiousness, all the feelings come back again like a flood. False thought of not enough. I'm tired, I'm tired of feeling this way when things are slim and even when there not, when the kids need something, Even when there is enough my thoughts lie and make feel like there's not enough, when I feel like everything is caving in around me, and I am not enough... Then God whispers, "I am enough." I stop and listen, God says, "I am enough. When there's not enough, when you feel like there's not enough, when you feel you are not enough, I am enough." My heart begins to recover once again, I faintly say, "Yes Lord, you are enough." (Embarassed that He has caught me going down that rode again because I know better and God has spoken to this area before).  In that moment, I sit still and allow God to do His work. I feel all the not enough break away and I feel lighter, then the not enoughs fall completely off my life. I feel God's peace flood my heart and though my circumstances haven't changed and there's still plenty of commitments left for the week, I know God is enough. Each time God places His finger on an area in our life We need to surrender or He wants to heal, you can bet you will remember. Remember the feelings like it was yesterday, feel you are unable to bear the weight, and you are uncomfortable. You know sticky, hot, uncomfortable, anxious just to name a few. That's when God shows up, brings peace, and that scab that's covering that wound, is torn off and God doesn't just put a bandaid on it, He heals it completely.  I thank God, that He didn't just come to save us from sin, but he also came to heal the broken hearted. So, as I battle daily with the ghosts of my past, my memories that try to haunt me, the pain of my wrong choices, I will stand on the Word of God and His promises and allow God to be enough. I allow God the freedom to do as He wills in my life.  He is my enough. God you are my ENOUGH!  Regardless what you are facing, know that God is enough and He has a plan and it is better than anything we can dream up!

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