Look for the promise

"One of those days He and His disciples got into a boat, and He said to them, Let us go across to the other side of the lake. So they put out to sea. But as they were sailing, He fell off to sleep. And a whirlwind revolving from below upwards swept down on the lake, and the boat was filling with water, and they were in great danger. And the disciples came and woke Him, saying, Master, Master, we are perishing! And He, being thoroughly awakened, censured and blamed and rebuked the wind and the raging waves; and they ceased, and there came a calm. And He said to them, [Why are you so fearful?] Where is your faith (your trust, your confidence in Me–in My veracity and My integrity)? And they were seized with alarm and profound and reverent dread, and they marveled, saying to one another, Who then is this, that He commands even wind and sea, and they obey Him?”
‭‭Luke‬ ‭8:22-25‬ ‭AMP‬‬

This scripture is a story of promise. Jesus states the promise in the very beginning of the scripture but either the disciples didn't catch it or they weren't listening. It is in the first line of the scripture above, "let us go across to the other side of the lake". Pretty much what Jesus had intended was to make it to the other side of the lake. However a storm comes up the disciples are scared they may perish because of the severity of the storm. At this point it's hard for the disciples to remember that Jesus has promised they are going to other side of the lake. Where is the trust?

Aren't we this way? Hasn't the Lord given us numerous promises. Promises from His Word and even promises He's whispered to us at different times. When we are on our way to the promise and a difficult storm appears, we get caught up in the storm, we abandon what we know and the promise the Lord has spoken. We get distracted, we take our eyes off the promise and forget that the Lord plans to make it to the other side of the lake.

You are either in the middle of a storm, fixing to come up on a storm, or you just came through a storm. Storms will come but when they do we must fight to stand on the promises of God and trust Him while we are waiting in the storm. Michael and I are in the waiting phase. It's one of the hardest things to do. Especially for me as I want a road map. I want to check it off my list and move to the next step. But during this season of waiting it is crucial that we trust God, His plan, and stand on His promises. <--- This of course is easier said than done. But this is when my faith is tested. Do we really trust God?

Regardless of what stage in the storm you find yourself in, really trust God, write down the promises you know God has spoken and those promises written in His Word, and hold on, do not be shaken because He intends to make it to the other side of the lake with you in His boat.

*Thanks to Beth Stephens Ministries for her obedience in preaching God's Word and for laying it out in such a relatable way. It was a Word in due season. #trustGod #inthemidstofyourstorm

The Past...

Everyone has something in their past they aren't proud to announce. We have all made mistakes. With this in mind let's remember this:

Regardless if I remove everything in my past out of my sight, my past still remains. No different than the history of those before us. Suddenly it seems that if you remove symbols, flags, words, etc then what happened in the past goes away, however it doesn't. The Past is still there as a reminder of where we came from and how we are thankful we are no longer there. Even in removing all the above, the offense lives in the person being offended.

The answer? We need to forgive. Forgive those that made bad choices generations before, forgive those that have hurt us, and don't take the bait of offense.

Once the offense is rooted in someone's heart, only forgiveness can remove the offense. So instead of taking everything down from our past, let's stand against being offended and offer grace. Grace to those who didn't know any better, grace to those who knew better and grace to just let it go.

I refuse to live in the state of offense and I will not take the bait to be offended. Terrible things throughout history have happened but let's look at how we have overcome, let's celebrate that we are overcomers. Let's not play a victim role and move on. Let's focus on how to improve what is within our reach and make a difference so our children's children can learn to do the same.

Today is a new day...

There are days when I wish I had responded better, when I know I really could have handled that situation better especially when I have all the head knowledge and the tools to do so. It's frustrating at times, you know the day after and you are like, "why didn't I say this, why didn't I do it this way". I truly want to be SO full of Christ that it's my first choice to respond the way He does. I know how to but placing that into action is the problem. It's almost as though confusion try's to set up camp right in the moment when I need to respond the way Christ would have me. The day after I am filled with you "should've". I'm not sure maybe I am all alone in this delicate dance between flesh and spirit. But I do know that God knows my heart, I have the desire to be like Him, and I pray He consumes every fiber of my being so I will look, act, and be more like Him. 

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (‭Psalm‬ ‭73‬:‭26‬ NIV)

Today is a new day. The struggle

Is real but so is God's strength. 

Abandoned

This weekend, Skyler and I went exploring older abandoned homes and buildings. I love the adventure of seeing the older homes and imagining them in their former glory. Skyler just loves adventure and wander of these older buildings, what's in them, what story can they tell, etc. One particular home we explored, was a beautiful farmhouse with the classic front porch. The trees, limbs, and weeds had overtaken the porch and up the sides of the walls. We hopped through the tall weeds up on the porch and stood looking through the windows. We finally were brave enough to open the door to peek inside. The foyer was large and open, with the classic tall ceilings and beautiful hardwood floors. It's hard to imagine someone just leaving this home. There were two rooms on each side of the foyer. Looking straight down the foyer you could see the kitchen but the floor, walls, and ceiling were coming down around the entire backside of the house. We couldn't walk any further but leaned in to get a closer look. The floor to the bathroom was completely caved in and we could see the ground and weeds growing up into the space. Skyler asked how could someone just leave their home, what happened that made them leave? I explained that sometimes everyone in the family dies and no one is there to take the house, or possibly it was sold in auction and the buyers only wanted the farm land.  We never know what story a house has to tell. We explored several abandoned buildings and two other homes. One other was so old that it didn't have a kitchen or a bathroom.

Yesterday as I was thinking about the abandoned homes a thought popped up about how we can relate that to our lives today.  Something so very beautiful just left to ruin. Don't we do that? We abandon, give up on, and simply don't take care of things we need too? We let everything go until repairing it seems too difficult and too costly. We allow things into our lives that will only destroy. Causes us lots of guilt and shame. We abandon hard relationships, our commitments, and we abandon our first real love... Christ.

When the things we should abandon we don't. What if we abandoned our addictions, our false gods, our pride, our selfishness, our wants, our desires, our plans, our purposes, our will and laid it all at His feet. Sweet, reckless utterly abandoned, yet safe in the one who created you, knows you, loves you, pursues you, and won't stop until We abandon everything and surrender to Him. Allow God to do His job and utterly abandon it all and run safely into His arms. No turning back.

ABANDONED
Utterly abandoned to the Holy Ghost!
Seeking all His fulness at whatever cost;
Cutting all the shore-lines, launching in the deep
Of His mighty power--strong to save and keep.
Utterly abandoned to the Holy Ghost!
Oh! the sinking, sinking, until self is lost!
Until the emptied vessel lies broken at His feet;
Waiting till His filling shall make the work complete.
Utterly abandoned to the will of God;
Seeking for no other path than my Master trod;
Leaving ease and pleasure, making Him my choice,
Waiting for His guidance, listening for His voice.
Utterly abandoned! no will of my own;
For time and for eternity, His, and His alone;
All my plans and purposes lost in His sweet will,
Having nothing, yet in Him all things possessing still.
Utterly abandoned! 'tis so sweet to be
Captive in His bonds of love, yet so wondrous free;
Free from sin's entanglements, free from doubt and fear,
Free from every worry, burden, grief or care.
Utterly abandoned! oh, the rest is sweet,
As I tarry, waiting, at His blessed feet;
Waiting for the coming of the Guest divine,
Who my inmost being shall perfectly refine.
Lo! He comes and fills me, Holy Spirit sweet!
I, in Him, am satisfied! I, in Him, complete!
And the light within my soul shall nevermore grow dim
While I keep my covenant--abandoned unto Him!
--Author Unknown

Slowing Down

The lack of Slowing down. The Lord has dropped the word SLOW DOWN in my spirit since the beginning of the year. I am a planner, a list maker, & I am able to get a lot accomplished in a day. However, I've found myself feeling like Solomon most days:

Then I took a good look at everything I’d done, looked at all the sweat and hard work. But when I looked, I saw nothing but smoke. Smoke and spitting into the wind. There was nothing to any of it. Nothing. (‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭2‬:‭11‬ MSG)

God is showing me I can be busy but running in place; I can have a full schedule but empty inside at the same time. So, I'm working to invite God into the daily details of my day. Seeking his will and
Purpose into each call I make and Into each person I see daily. Not to simply rush through the day so I can check something else off my to do list. I have found my most successful days have been days when I slowed down & made a difference in someone else's day. I feel I have truly served not just whew I made it through another day. But then I struggle internally because I feel in my mind I didn't meet my expectations for the day. (My expectations for myself are set pretty high. I'm a self bully). So Now I'm working to give ROOM for God to move in these day to day encounters. And working to realize that it's more important to encounter God in my everyday work schedule then checking tasks off my list. I'm slowing down and enjoying each God moment with others. I'm having a plan and working the plan & learning to bend when I need to alter my plan. Working daily to be full of divine purpose.

Look carefully then how you walk! Live purposefully and worthily and accurately, not as the unwise and witless, but as wise (sensible, intelligent people),

Therefore do not be vague and thoughtless and foolish, but understanding and firmly grasping what the will of the Lord is. (‭Ephesians‬ ‭5‬:‭15, 17‬ AMP)

So I'm working hard to slow down, work with divine purpose, and stop bullying myself!

Perfect LOVE casts out fear

Just this week during my favorite time in the morning, I felt the prompting of God. Maybe it was timing, maybe it was where my heart was at that moment, but either way I was obedient. Trusting God in the moment of obedience is difficult. Like anxious, what if this turns out badly, what if it turns out to be great... And the what ifs continued. I seem to trust God to a point. I will trust him with this but only so far. I find myself doing the same in my other relationships. I know where that stems from and it is a complete fight within myself to completely surrender. To allow someone else to take care of the rest. That's difficult for me to do. I tried that, we all have, trusted someone completely & then they wrecked it all. Destroyed the trust you graciously gave, so you withdrawal, you hide. You say things, "I won't ever let that happen again, I will only allow them to get this close". I know it's a form of misguided control thinking I can keep this close enough so I want get hurt again. It's the same thing that Eve wrestled with in the garden. The serpent placed doubt, she took the bait, she did not trust the heart of God, and just knew He was holding out on her. It's in our DNA. On the fallen Eve spectrum we women are either dominant/controlling, mousy/desolate, or some weird combination of both. How do we overcome this? TRUST.  We do what it is we know we are supposed too regardless of how risky, and leave the results to God. Sounds simple right? At least it looks easy on paper. I know it is much harder. I think it is like taking baby steps, we work hard to trust, we fall down, and we keep trying.

The good news is that as much as we try to arrange for a good life and protect ourselves from pain, our strategies will not work. Oh, they may work for awhile but not for long and they never give us the results we desire. I know after my obedience test this week, it turned out just fine. I was obedient, I did what I know God wanted me too, and I trust Him with the rest. The only TRUE safe place for our hearts is in God. God knows why we do the things we do. And He has mercy on us. He understands our deep fear and longs to replace it with His love. (Perfect love casts out fear). 

So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. (‭Hebrews‬ ‭4‬:‭14-16‬ NLT)

May we ask Jesus to continue to free us from our self-protective & fallen strategies. May He come & heal our places of deep fear where we don't know yet or believe that we are deeply loved and wanted. 

LOVE addict

Love... For some they completely misunderstand this word for others they completely get it. Simple four letter word so it should be easy right? One could only wish.

I spent my first 40 years looking for love in all the wrong places. Looking to fill the holes my heart longed to be filled but after finding said love, it was more empty than before. Growing up I could never truly understood love, I mean my parents loved me the best they knew how but there was always this longing. Longing to be loved, longing to be delighted in, longing to be seen, longing for someone to scoop down and rescue me. As a child my favorite movie was Cinderella, visions of my Prince Charming swooping in to rescue me from this life of pain, my damsel in distress mentality, unfairness, abuse, and rescue me from myself. My biggest problem with this dream, was in the searching. I searched for this dream in man. Failed relationship after failed relationship only left me empty. I had to learn, the hard way unfortunately, that God is the only one meant to fill the gaping holes in my heart. I learned that He is my Prince Charming.

Remember this toy? How when learning your shapes, you placed the right shaped piece in the exact shaped hole? Often in life we are filling our holes with all the wrong shaped pieces, men, food, money, children, work, and the list goes on. However when we learn early that only God is intended to fill these holes, how different our life could be.  

C.S. Lewis says, 

Perspective order: Put first things first you get first and second things, but put second things first you lose both first and second things. Thankfully, I have allowed God to tear off all the scabs covering the holes of my heart and I allowed Him to completely heal them.  It was a painful & difficult process but so worth it. Once this healing took place I was able to see Love through the lens of God. As my therapist said, I finally got my picker fixed. Haha! Finally, I was able to see the Godly love I was always supposed to receive. Then God gave me my hearts desire in a man. The one thing I spent my life longing for in a man, He gave it to me. I didn't search for it, I didn't stalk it, it came to me unexpectedly. Now that I have a Godly man who loves me as Christ loved the church, and who is the leader of our home, one would think I could rest now that all my holes are filled. One thing I have learned in the past 4 years is that no matter how Godly your husband is, no matter how he checks all the boxes we have in our minds, there will always be a loneliness. A loneliness and a longing that only God was meant to fill. It is too much to place the weighty expectation on my husband or anyone else other than God to fill. So, in my periods of loneliness, I rest in God. I take this need & let Him fill it. Lesson learned. So today, evaulate what's filling your holes. Seek God because He's the only one who can fill them without ever thirsting again. I am thankful God continued to pursue me. He met me at my well & filled every crevice with His unconditional LOVE. 

Loving Unconditionally, 

~Melissa ✨

Eyes...Ears...Understand

The believer replied, “Every promise of God proves true; he protects everyone who runs to him for help. So don’t second-guess him; he might take you to task and show up your lies.” (Proverbs 30:5-6 MSG)

There are things we see with our natural eyes, then there are things we see that others are blind too, finally there are things we see with our spiritual eyes. Same goes for truth. There are things we really want to believe but doubt, there are things we believe but those things truly have no truth to them, then there are things we believe that we can not see.  

I've often wondered why seemly intelligent people believe what they believe and think its truth when it's not. Or why some have ridiculous faith and believe what is unseen. Or when everyone thinks their way is the right way. 

But I'm reminded today what was revealed to me in September 2010 after Michael's mothers death. The last verse marked in her bible & written on a piece of paper marking her spot was this: 

For they look, but they don’t really see. They hear, but they don’t really listen or understand. (Matthew 13:13 NLT)

I like the message version of this verse: 

He replied, “You’ve been given insight into God’s kingdom. You know how it works. Not everybody has this gift, this insight; it hasn’t been given to them. Whenever someone has a ready heart for this, the insights and understandings flow freely. But if there is no readiness, any trace of receptivity soon disappears. That’s why I tell stories: to create readiness, to nudge the people toward receptive insight. In their present state they can stare till doomsday and not see it, listen till they’re blue in the face and not get it. I don’t want Isaiah’s forecast repeated all over again: Your ears are open but you don’t hear a thing. Your eyes are awake but you don’t see a thing. The people are blockheads! They stick their fingers in their ears so they won’t have to listen; They screw their eyes shut so they won’t have to look, so they won’t have to deal with me face-to-face and let me heal them. (Matthew 13:11-15 MSG)

I'm amazed how much truth is in this verse. Having eyes to truly see the truth, ears to truly hear the truth, and a heart to understand the truth... What a treasure indeed.  I've had plenty of times in my life when my eyes were closed to the truth, when my ears only heard the enemies voice, and when my heart was blinded to truly understand. However, after lots of lessons learned, and allowing God to truly heal the deep hurts of my heart was I finally freed to walk in His truth. I'm thankful for hard lessons, my terrible mistakes as they have helped me become the person I am today. I'm far from having it all together, God continues to show me cracks within my character that need his touch, & thankfully he's patient with this strong willed stubborn type A girl. 

My prayer for us all is this: Have eyes to see, ears to hear, & and a heart to understand.  

~Never Give Up

Every. Single. Time.

Ever love someone deeply, you know just pour your life into, take really good care of, love unconditionally, turn, stab you several times in the back then come back and act like your the best thing since slice bread?

Ever just wonder why the lies just flow out of people's mouth like there's no consequences for such things?

Ever wonder how you can really just make it through another day. The struggles of life are so real.

Ever wonder how it's possible to truly love people when the betrayal is so deep you want to do nothing but turn and run for dear life.

It's possible... Experiencing God's love. Every. Single. Day. And of course forgiveness. I've been betrayed, lied about, gossiped about, disrespected, become frustrated with my struggles, and I've forgotten too many times to hold every thought captive.

But with every struggle God points me back. Remembering forgiveness is the easiest release. Not just once but... Every. Single. Time.

I always thought if I can get through this betrayal, I will have it down pat. No they keep coming. I thought let me get through this lie, it will be all good. No the lies keep being told. I think if I love them enough, my heart will stop breaking. No my heart breaks often.

Understanding that life struggles continue to come, regardless. But what do you do?

You remember all the times God made a way, that He loved anyway, He forgave anyway. Every. Single. Time.

I think it is like Elisha's untidy ending as described in Crash the Chatterbox. Wars and struggles will always come but how we handle it, defines our victory. Elisha instructed the King to pound the ground with an arrow. He pounded the ground with the arrow 3 times, it guaranteed that the people of God would have 3 decisive military victories over the enemy. Elisha became angry because he saw a king who had faith in the loving God, and even the humility to do what the prophet asks, settle for something less than complete victory. To see the king stand toe to toe with an opportunity to drive out his enemies entirely-but settle for this? Such astonishing potential, such a half hearted application.  Elisha surveys the wreckage of wasted opportunity, and seethes "Is that all you've got? Is that all you want? Just enough victory to back the enemy off, just enough to survive? Why did you stop striking the ground? you would have completely destroyed the enemy! Why would you settle for winning a few battles when you had the opportunity to win the war?

What can we learn from this? It takes tenacity. Every victory you win means another battle you have to fight. So you keep pounding. Every betrayal, keep pounding, every day your heart is broken, keep pounding, every disappointment, keep pounding. Pound the ground until the pounding becomes a rhythm. Pound the ground until the sound turns into cadence. Pound the ground until the ground starts to shake. Relentless. Steady. Consistent. Every. Single. Moment.

Never giving up. NEVER.

I have to decide that I won't let go, I won't stop, I will be unshakeable, relentless, steady, and consistent. Leaning on God. Trusting Him completely. I won't give up.  Every. Single. Time.


*Crash the Chatterbox credits

Stuck

There are some days I could care less if I see another informational picture that quotes something encouraging or to praise God anyway. It seems we can like them, save them, share them, and even quote them but some days they can't speak to the core of your discouraged heart. You know that place that at the end of the day questioning why am I doing this again? Some days my struggles are overwhelming on top of being sick doesn't exactly make me want to read them or remember "in everything give thanks". I am frustrated. Lately it seems that's a state I find myself residing. Frustrated that people don't really listen, can't follow the rules, refuse to follow-up, wear their mask, or those who scam everyone to think that they really are doing what they are supposed too. Especially when there are so many who are overlooked that are working hard  & making good choices. Of course then there's those you spend your life pouring into. Those you make the biggest contribution too & at the end of the day you are left standing with egg on your face.

Sometimes I just feel stuck. I know I am supposed to be stuck to God not in my circumstance. But today here I am. What do I do with all these feelings? The feelings of not enough, never good enough, never any real understanding, no thank you's, no pats on the back, never credit for all you do. Just nothing simply nothing. It's a lonely place.

When you look to God to answer all these feelings and allow Him the liberty to speak into them I know He makes the difference. But even though I may know that doesn't mean I always feel like it. I feel there are days my heart just bleeds out. Giving all I can give and never asking for anything really in return but for them to know that I was there. Do I make a difference, am I loving enough, am I patient enough, is this all really worth it?

Well my answer deep inside is yes but how do I get what's inside out? How can I push what I know in my heart to become the reality I walk out? I know I will do it but I stand here with my arms folded like pouting child for a little while. Just this week I wrote about overcoming. I really don't feel like fighting to overcome today. Mama said there would be days like this.  I am thankful God doesn't give up on me when I am stuck. I actually saw that today on one of those encouraging word pictures I was talking about earlier. I laughed out loud because that does explain my situation today... Stuck. So I wait... I wait until I can humbly unfold my arms and quiet my heart. Until I actually allow God to fill me up so what's inside will push its way out.

Overcoming

Today I am reflecting. Scary I know but I am thinking of the overcomer's that I have witnessed in my life. Those fighting for their lives, those who take risks to be seen for who they truly are, those who married at 16 & this year will celebrate 46years of marriage, a girl who beat the odds of teenage pregnancy, no college & has a successful career. How do these overcomer's overcome? Maybe it's determination, never giving up, and attitude. Or maybe it's their extreme faith while clinging to the words God has written. I am not completely sure all aspects of what sets these individuals apart. What drives them? What is this hope that's buried deep in their soul? I'm not sure some days but may we all find it. For me I think it's getting up every time you are knocked down.

Yesterday we lost a true overcomer in our community. This sweet ladies attitude, humor, sweet spirit, and her "no quitting attitude" has impacted lives of everyone she met. What a great display of Angel's walking among us. She's completely whole today standing with the God who created her and I know He welcomed her in saying well done my good and faithful servant.

Then there's that video of a goth looking young man who gets on a stage to sing for the first time ever. Even his parents had no idea he could sing.  The music begins to play sweet soft sounds then from nowhere you hear opera coming from his vocal cords. Self taught, hiding his talent under a bushel, afraid, but courage springs forth and he receives a standing ovation. He overcame that fear of rejection.

Then the young couple who eloped at 16 that had no clue about life, marriage, love, and how it all works but this year celebrates 46 years of marriage. Not to mention the obstacles they overcame as they raise a family, juggle  working, drug/alcohol addiction, and bankruptcy. How does that work? How do you overcome such struggles? Persistence, determination, faith, hope, and Grace of God?

Yet in our day to day we can't get off the couch to exercise, we can't put down the cheeseburger, and we can't fight through our pain. Always wanting to run from our problems yet can't put on our tennis shoes to run around the neighborhood. Or maybe that's only me. It's funny how we can overcome a life of poverty but we can't help others or how we don't want someone to judge us but we can't get the log out of our own eye. Our tongue. The unruly little beast that spouts evil one minute then turns words into sugar. You know like syrupy sugar that sits at the bottom of southern sweet tea. Life & death are in the power of the tongue. How can we overcome that?

I'm not convinced of how it all works because I struggle daily. I have overcome a lot in my life and my struggles are different from others. Lately I can only breathe deeply, take one step at a time, work hard to stay in today, and trust. Trust that when Everything around me is in chaos God is there saying peace be still. I work hard to be thankful in all things but some days that's harder than others. How can we be overcomer's in our day to day, in our difficult struggles, & in deep pain. I heard a preacher use this phrase and it just stuck: the deep pain of life prepares you for the deep love of God.

What gives?

Today this...

Be a fighter, be an overcomer, be hopeful, be an encourager, be a lover, be a grace giver, love from every fiber of your being, speak words that give life. I think Romans 12 really says it all:

Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle. Don’t burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don’t quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality. Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they’re happy; share tears when they’re down. Get along with each other; don’t be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don’t be the great somebody. Don’t hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you’ve got it in you, get along with everybody. Don’t insist on getting even; that’s not for you to do. “I’ll do the judging,” says God. “I’ll take care of it.” Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he’s thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don’t let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good. (Romans 12:9-21 MSG)

Fight to be an overcomer... That's what it is going to take.. We must fight...

I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: (2 Timothy 4:7 KJV)

Learning to breathe

Finding myself in the place of the unknown. Not sure some days how to even breathe. I know there has been moments I've stopped. Wondering how did we get here and what got us to this place? Was there something differently we could have done? I'm trusting the years of praying for protection from all the lies believed and from the voice that gets the most attention will somehow reach to the core. Watching as this path of destruction is being walked, my thoughts sink into all the what if's. I'm left with a hole trying to decide if it's possible for God to fill it. He's done it before but this time is different. I realize I've been here before just a different lifetime and different roles.

I know God is able but we've got to be willing. How do you tell your heart to stop hurting but yet to breathe in the same breath? Seems impossible.

How do you walk it out trusting God yet pleading in every step? How do you offer tough love and truly walk it out when God has given Mother's an unlimited supply of grace. Where is that line and how do you tell your heart you can't cross it?

So I wait. I trust. I work to breathe one breath at a time & take one day at a time. I've learned I must stay in today & tell my what if's to pipe down. God loves more than we ever could. God see's our struggle and our pain. He is faithful and just to complete everything He has started.

So today I wait. I trust. And I'm learning how to breathe again.

My years as a prodigal

Back story first:

I was always a happy child. Delightful as my granddaddy would say it. I learned about God very early in life as my grandparents would take me to church. At first glance organized religion seemed pretty harmless. You sit in service you stand, sing then you sit, stand a million more times then you sleep through the message, you go home, eat fried chicken then take a nap. Seemed pretty wonderful for this southern girl.

My parents didn't take us to church when we were younger. They were still finding their way, numbing their pain, & seeking the next thrill. Through my elementary years I took on the role of helping as much as I could around the house, looking out for my brother, & sometimes acting like a mom. I have always been good at taking care of everyone else. Then one day my dad found Jesus. Our lives changed somewhat. I think their addictions shifted and became model church folk. We started attending a church that preached condemnation. You can't wear this, you can't wear that, you can't listen to this, and the list goes on. I constantly found myself checking off the things I was doing right and feeling like a horrible person because of all I couldn't put a check beside.

We switched churches and learned of unconditional love and how Jesus loves us regardless. At this point I was so confused. So I don't have to keep this list of do's & don't's? Then my parents took up their addictions once more while Holding leadership positions in the church. I thought well I guess I don't really have to keep this list anymore. Or did I?

Through my teenage years I just wanted to find my way. Figure out who I was, what I believed in, and find a good man. Ambitious huh?

Insert my prodigal story:

My prodigal story isn't the typical one of disrespect, rebellion toward my parents, or leaving home. It's more of a journey that spanned 23 years. So here goes:

I went looking for love in all the wrong places as I can still hear Johnny Lee singing it. I took many roads of self destruction though drugs and alcohol weren't one of them, my craving for the hole in my heart to be filled with the perfect man and acceptance was addiction enough. I found myself
In a downward spiral never finding what my heart so desperately wanted. My path of horrible choices left Me with failed relationships, emotionally hurt children, near disasters, heartbreak, and feelings of well I guess I can't check those boxes of keeping it good with God.

As I carried my do's and don't's list around I encountered "church folk" that didn't really accept me. I was the scarlet letter. You know, "she can't get her act together" and "you know she's divorced" and "why is she here at church", "she doesn't belong here". It's hard to discern the truth about what God thinks of you when surrounded with such self righteous people.

Yet again I decided to try this church thing. I couldn't ever shake that I felt God pursuing me & often feeling His love even though I wasn't quite sure how He could love someone like me. You know I don't have checks in these boxes and I'm sure that's not really God I feel. I changed churches to suit my at the time, "I don't know about this Holy Spirit thing". So I played church, I was there every time the doors opened. I held every position there was to hold, taught every class I could teach, started children church, and prayed no one would really find out about my horrible choices in life because I knew they would slam the doors in my face. All the while I was making wrong choices in relationships, dragging my kids to church, I was silently keeping my list like it was some trade off. Well I did this well and I know that will cancel out this mistake, etc. but I always came up short in my heart & on my paper.

Feeling defeated as my recent relationship choice was leading my children to withdrawal and the verbal and emotional abuse was more than I could bare or watch my children endure. I felt as though my heart would break into a million pieces. After yet another failed relationship something happened. I truly found God. I didn't find Him in church with all the self righteous people, I didn't find Him in a relationship, I didn't find Him in serving others. I didn't find Him in my children even though they are gifts from God.  I found Him in the still quiet of my house. This prodigal finally found her home & into the One who knew me completely and loved me anyway. I realized I could put away my list of do's & don't's. I am finally truly finding my way. I haven't completely arrived & I am stumbling still working to figure it all out and I don't have all the answers nor do I have it all together. But I am working to walk in the direction I feel God is leading.

Yes today I do attend church and I sing in the choir. The "self righteous" ones are still lingering around but the difference for me now is I know who I am in Christ & His opinion of me outweighs the self righteous & the voice of the enemy. Church folk don't bother me at all except when they mess with those still finding their way. We must love the unlovable (even the self righteous folks) we must be patient in their process, love them where they are, show them they don't have to keep a list, while understanding that God is the only true judge as He has all the evidence.

I am finally in a healthy relationship. I have 3 children I birthed and 2 that are birthed from my heart. They are working hard to find their way. (Especially from all the decisions their parents made). They will travel difficult roads, they will make wrong choices, they will even say they hate me, they may doubt God, the may become the prodigal but none of that will ever separate them from the Love of God, His pursuit of them, nor the love of a momma who understands the paths they take, the why behind the what, & will be standing with arms wide open.

I know God is faithful. I know nothing can EVER separate me from His love.

As a side bar: This year my parents will celebrate 26 years of sobriety. I am so thankful & blessed with parents who are such overcomer's. They are wonderful parents & the best grandparents. I love them & I am so proud of them. They are finishing well.

Not enough

Sitting in the car while my husband goes to pump gas, he returns hands me the card, and whispers it's says insufficient funds. My heart is in disbelief, I become anxious thinking how is that possible and how will we get to my mom's 30 minutes away? My mind starts to remember... remember my childhood, that uncomfortable moment of lack and not enough... I sigh heavily.  My mind races to not having enough and the feeling of not enough. Not enough food, not enough money, not enough clothes, not enough quality time, simply not enough. All this happens in .5 seconds and my husband knows where my thoughts are going, he grabs my arm and smiles. We run to the ATM to see what's going on. After checking the balance there is plenty of money but this circumstance caused me to go down a road, I hate to be on.  We traveled on to my moms, and I'm thinking how I hate those memories you know the haunting ones. The ones that send us into anxiousness and long moments of being uncomfortable. My mind goes to knowing I feel better when my pantry is full and my frig is freshly stocked. Why is that? When I feel like the kids have enough (not too much but enough), when I feel enough then all is right with the world but one tilt of not enough and my emotions do a nose dive and I spend several moments trying to recover.  In the midst of these emotions, it's hard to quote scripture. You know the ones about: God will supply all my needs according to his riches in glory. Later in the week, I realize all that we are committed too this week. Even though there is money, and time to get it all done,  my thoughts play havoc on me again and I believe the lie. That is why the bible says to "Hold every thought captive to the obedience of Christ."  My heart starts down the same road of anxiousness, all the feelings come back again like a flood. False thought of not enough. I'm tired, I'm tired of feeling this way when things are slim and even when there not, when the kids need something, Even when there is enough my thoughts lie and make feel like there's not enough, when I feel like everything is caving in around me, and I am not enough... Then God whispers, "I am enough." I stop and listen, God says, "I am enough. When there's not enough, when you feel like there's not enough, when you feel you are not enough, I am enough." My heart begins to recover once again, I faintly say, "Yes Lord, you are enough." (Embarassed that He has caught me going down that rode again because I know better and God has spoken to this area before).  In that moment, I sit still and allow God to do His work. I feel all the not enough break away and I feel lighter, then the not enoughs fall completely off my life. I feel God's peace flood my heart and though my circumstances haven't changed and there's still plenty of commitments left for the week, I know God is enough. Each time God places His finger on an area in our life We need to surrender or He wants to heal, you can bet you will remember. Remember the feelings like it was yesterday, feel you are unable to bear the weight, and you are uncomfortable. You know sticky, hot, uncomfortable, anxious just to name a few. That's when God shows up, brings peace, and that scab that's covering that wound, is torn off and God doesn't just put a bandaid on it, He heals it completely.  I thank God, that He didn't just come to save us from sin, but he also came to heal the broken hearted. So, as I battle daily with the ghosts of my past, my memories that try to haunt me, the pain of my wrong choices, I will stand on the Word of God and His promises and allow God to be enough. I allow God the freedom to do as He wills in my life.  He is my enough. God you are my ENOUGH!  Regardless what you are facing, know that God is enough and He has a plan and it is better than anything we can dream up!

A Mother's Heart

The countless prayers of peace, praying they make good friends, praying they are making the right choice when pressured, prayers of please don't let them live in unforgiveness,  regret or in shame,  prayers that they are being polite, courteous, having a calm and undisturbed mind. Prayers of oh lord, I'm not sure if I've done enough, taught enough, prayed enough. The prayers of Lord please let them not be controlled or ruled by their emotions. Praying they respond in love and not overact with an overspill of ugly humanness. The Oh Lord, did I act like you when they made the wrong choice, when they disobeyed? Lord I pray I handled that right. Did they see my love, did they see Grace, did they see forgiveness so they could do the same? 

I've learned that regardless the path they take, the mistakes they make, the people they hurt, or when they hurt themselves, the times of being mean, mouthy, disobedient, ungrateful, regardless if they are in church every Sunday, & Wednesday nights whether we do weekly devotions, whether we pray with everything in us, and whether we are doing all the right things. Ultimately it's their choices, it's their consequences, it's their decision to make the right choice or the wrong one. But it's God who brings them right where He wants them. I can't do it. I would never be able to lecture enough to change them. God uses all the things they've said, all the decisions they've made, all the mistakes they made, all the people they hurt and all the people who have hurt them. God uses those circumstances, those people, and those decisions to refine, to polish, to love them right where He wants them. God has a plan. 

So I am not tossed to and fro, by the ups and downs of being a mother. My heart loves, my heart gives, my heart disciplines, my heart prays, my heart offers grace, my heart offers forgiveness and my heart stands on the promises God has spoken over my children.  I will stand against all the powers of the enemy and I claim what is mine. No I can't fix any of it for them, I can't undo the mistakes they made or will make, I can't bully them into doing right, but I can love the mess out of them while they are finding their way. I will stand on the Word of God for them until they can see it for themselves. 

I don't wanna

Ever have a "I don't wanna" day? Well that's me today. Other than making breakfast for the kiddos (eggs, bacon, grits, sausage biscuits, and fruit), folding two loads of clothes, ironing Noah's pants for work, and organizing my tiny kitchen cabinets so I could fit my new Cool Fry Daddy in (I know y'all are jealous!)  I've been worthless. 

Knowing I SO need to get up clean something, exercise, and possibly prepare dinner, but I think I like the comfort of my bed more than my motivation to do any of the above.  My mind is so full of thoughts. Thoughts of friends who are hurting, injured, dealing with death and family moving hours away.  My oldest daughter is moving to DC soon and I'm very excited for her.  I was planning to travel with her to find her apartment but something out of my control prevented that and I was very disappointed.  I am very proud of her, her accomplishments and how she is so fearless.  Fearless enough to move away from family, her job, and the state she has called home all her life. I will miss her terribly but missing her is nothing new. I do that daily. There's something about distance that does that to a mom. Whether across the room, across town, across the state, or now across several states that draws my heart to missing her. So today I will think of all the kisses, the "holds you mama, holds you", the hand holding, her cuddling with me, the smiles, the sun that shines from her face, those deep blue eyes, and I will draw a deep breath and know that I am so blessed to be her mom. She's my ever since... 

Ever since you I have never been the same,

ever since you I never knew the capacity to love,

ever since you our lives changed forever. 

Now that I've had my mama moment, I will work to get motivated. Besides Dylan is begging me to let him drive. So I'm prying my body up and finishing this day. 

Desires of our heart 

THANK'FUL, a. Grateful; impressed with a sense of kindness received, and ready to acknowledge it. The Lord's supper is to be celebrated with a thankful remembrance of his sufferings and death.

Be thankful to him, and bless his name. Ps.100. (1828 dictionary) 

Shout with joy to the Lord, all the earth! Worship the Lord with gladness. Come before him, singing with joy. Acknowledge that the Lord is God! He made us, and we are his. We are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving; go into his courts with praise. Give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good. His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation. (Psalms 100:1-5 NLT)

I was reminded yesterday how slack I can be at giving God thanks for His blessings in my life. I get so busy at times taking care of my family, work, my selfish wants, with life, that I lose touch so quickly of how blessed I am. There are some days that just ooze of thankfulness, it just rolls off me like the air leaving my lungs, then other days I am so distracted (squirrel) that I don't even know what's next. I know that's the devils plan to keep me so distracted from the good things, from my purpose, and keep me focused on the bad or the busy. 

"What you focus on the longest will become strongest." 

We went to hear the prophet Donnie Cook last night at a meeting in Dunn. Michael and I have heard him numerous times, we've seen God heal, deliver, and encourage those in need.  We have been the receiver each time we have attended any of these meetings. Last night was no different. I watched as God used this man to minister to the hurting, the sick, and to those who weren't really expecting anything be in awe at what God revealed.  Stick with me, I promise I Have a point.  At the end, Donnie reached out for Michael and spoke a word into his life. I watched as my 6'3" husband was laid to the ground in the spirit from the word spoken over his life. Now I have seen that happen a million times and it isn't the first time God has spoken a word over him, but last night was different for me. I stood there praying with this man that God has blessed me with. The man of God that has always been the desire of my heart. The man of God I deeply longed for. As Michael's hands were stretched up, I reached down and placed my hand over his, and instantly he knew my touch, and squeezed my hand. In that moment gratitude began to flow out from me. This man that I longed for, searched for (boy there were lots of detours) prayed for, was grasping my hand. I am very blessed to say the least, what I thought impossible, God made possible. My life is a miracle, my marriage is planned by God, my husband is a gift, and I thank God He gives me the desires of my heart.  

Know this, God does answer our deepest need, God does give us the desires of our hearts, and He loves you deeply.  My husband is a daily reminder and causes gratitude to swell in my heart because the lover of my soul simply loves me that much. 

God loves you that much too! 

Discomfort and Pain

In the midst of hurt, difficult circumstances, and injustice it's hard to imagine God working these things to our good and for His glory.  But in Acts 8, we find Saul aka Paul, making havoc for the church by placing Jesus freaks (men and women) in prison. This scattering of believers was instrumental and was used as a springboard of the Gospel. 

Philip, for example, went to the city of Samaria and told the people there about the Messiah. Crowds listened intently to Philip because they were eager to hear his message and see the miraculous signs he did. Many evil spirits were cast out, screaming as they left their victims. And many who had been paralyzed or lame were healed. (Acts 8:5-7 NLT)

Persecution forced the believers out of their homes and with them went the Gospel. Sometimes we have to become uncomfortable before we will move. We may not want it, but discomfort, pain, injustice, etc. may be the best thing for us, because God is working in the midst of these hurts.  I am sure the Jesus freaks were stressed and worried. Their Messiah was just crucified, some believers were being stoned, others placed into prison, and others were scattered yet in the midst of this pain, we see later that God used the very man (Saul aka Paul) causing havoc to be a missionary for the Gospel of Christ.

The deep pain in our life prepares us for the deep love of God. This is a quote by a preacher in Durham, NC, that I heard several years ago. That quote ministered to me during one of the most painful periods of my life. During this painful period, I clung to the hope that God had a plan in the midst of my pain. This was a pain I chose. This was a decision I made that caused havoc in my life and there were times I lost hope. But I knew somewhere on the inside that God would make a way despite the bad choice I made. The bible says,

 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. (Romans 8:28 NLT)

So today in the midst of uncertainty, pain, grief, discomfort, bad things that happen to us, bad choices etc. let the God of the universe comfort, restore, and bring hope to the deep pain in your life.  God will use your pain. God never wastes a hurt. Your past will serve a wonderful purpose if we will let it.

What is truth?